  FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN!!
1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered
an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
2. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shagpile is good. When throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
3. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
4. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are some
of the many rules for "hampering":
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim
is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
- For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them
to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at
a time.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises!
5. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
6. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
around.
A CATS DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going
is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For
no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes
they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this
is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on
the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak), and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Author unknown.
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
A:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force
you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you
get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain
will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
B.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are
smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots,
a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
C. Use the element
of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed
is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass
door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have now begun one of the longest and wildest
45 seconds of your life.
E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded.
Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into
the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
F.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are
worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared with
what you have just been through.
That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
You
simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging
to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In
a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks
and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed
stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry.
This isn't usually the case.
As
a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him
a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
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